How do I know if my friend is being abused?

Have you seen evidence of injuries?

Have you accepted her explanations for her black eyes, bruises or broken bones?

Does she miss work frequently?

Does her partner show an unusual amount of control over her life?

Have you noticed changes in her or her children's behavior?

Does her partner embarrass or ridicule her in public?

Does her partner blame her for the way he acts or the things he says?

• Knowing that someone you care about is being hurt by her partner is frustrating and frightening. It often reminds us of our own past or on-going problems; and it is important for you to remember to take care of yourself. Below are some suggestions about what you can do, as a friend, to help someone who is being battered.

• Believe your friend. She is probably telling you less than what really happened.

• Don't blame her for the abuse. She is not responsible for being abused and does not deserve to be abused. Remember that it is difficult to leave an abusive relationship.

• She needs to tell her story in her own time and at her own pace. Listen to her and let her know you care about her and that she is not alone. Take the time to talk with her privately and ask about suspicious bruises or fights that you know about.

• Validate her feelings. Abuse is awful, scary, embarrassing and hurtful. Feeling "crazy," afraid and helpless are a very natural reaction to a terrible situation.

• Help her make safety plans. Help her find a safe place to go, or a place to store money and important documents. Let her use your phone if she needs to make calls. Agree to call the police when needed. If necessary, designate a code word that she can use to indicate the need for you to call the police. Take care of her children if she asks you to, and you feel you can.

• Assault is a crime. If you suspect that abuse is occurring, call 911.

• Don't tell anyone else what she has told you about being abused. The abuser may hurt her if he hears rumors that she is telling people. Do not confront the abuser using information she has shared with you, unless she gives you permission.

• If it is safe to, make strong statements against violence in your social circles. A battered woman who hears these statements may be encouraged to find help.

Common Myths about Domestic Violence
A friend's perspective

Why should I get involved in her problem--isn't it just a family matter?
Domestic violence is not just a family problem, it is a crime.

It can't really be that bad.
Domestic violence is that bad. It is the single most common source of injury to women, more common than automobile accidents, muggings, and rape by a stranger combined. It increases in severity and frequency over time. It is estimated that over 2 million American women are beaten in their homes each year. It is a crime.

That doesn't happen in my neighborhood.
Domestic violence occurs among all races, ages, religions and socio-economic levels. No state, no city, no community and no neighborhood is immune.

She must be provoking him.
She is a victim and is not to blame. No one deserves to be beaten. The abuser chooses to abuse her to maintain power and control in the relationship.

If it's so bad, why doesn't she just leave?
Any relationship can be difficult to end. She may be financially dependent or have limited job skills. Religious, cultural or family pressures may keep her in the marriage. She may have tried to leave and he stopped her; he may have threatened to take the children from her, or harm her more if she leaves him. Over 75 percent of women are killed after they leave an abusive partner.

I know him--he seems like a nice guy.
Many abusers are not violent in other relationships. They even can appear 'charming' to outsiders. However, this does not indicate the kind of person he is behind closed doors. Believe her.

He has a drinking problem. May be if he just got help for it, he'd stop abusing her.
Alcohol and drug use many intensify violent behavior, but it does not cause battering. Men are abusive with and without alcohol and drugs. Abusers want all the power and control in the relationship and that is their motivation; not the substances they use or abuse.

If she wanted my help, she'd ask for it.
Your friend may not feel comfortable revealing her situation to you. She may be embarrassed or humiliated.

She seems distant. I don't know if we're still friends.
Women in violent homes are often isolated from friends and family by their abusers. The abuser wants total control and does not want her talking to others. It is important to continue to reach out to her, and let her know you care.

Thank You for wanting to help!