Parental Alienation Syndrome

This is more commonly a father's problem but in some cases can be the mother's as well. If you know of any other resources for this topic please email me with them.

Personally my husband and I are dealing with this now. So any and all help is appreciated. Please help to stop hurting all these children!!

What is it?

The Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is the systematic denigration by one parent by the other with the intent of alienating the child against the other parent. The purpose of the alienation is usually to gain or retain custody without the involvement of the other parent. The alienation usually extends to the other parent's family and friends as well.

WHY DOES THE PARENT WANT TO GET RID OF THE OTHER PARENT?

There is no clear cut answer to this. In some cases it is done with intent by the CP to get rid of the NCP, while in other case the situation just gets out of hand and drifts to the point where PAS just becomes one more step in the wrong direction.The following is a variety of reasons. In many cases there will be several different reasons combined.

There are many reasons why a CP should want the children to hate the NCP. Some of these are listed below.

1. The CP wants to start a new life and wants the NCP out of the way. They may be more successful than the NCP is. The NCP is seen as an encumbrance.

2. The CP wants money/property from the NCP and uses the children as bargaining pawns.

5. The CP is jealous of the love/gifts the NCP gives the child but not to the CP.

6. The CP cannot cope with their own life. Contact with the NCp in any form is difficult for them.

7. Disappointment.CP feels NCP is unworthy to be a parent and doesn't deserve the children.

8. The CP is egged on by other women/men hostile to men/women. Typically if she/he is in a group of single mothers/fathers.

9. The CP uses access to control the children (if you don't behave then you can't see daddy/mommy).

10. The CP can't compete with the NCP who may be able to give the children more treats in the short time they see them. The children may boost the NCP at his/her expense, and typically demand more from him/her.

11. The children may be the only aspect of control the CP has, so uses it to boost their own esteem rather than for the interests of the children. This is the power motive more commonly seen in men.

12. The CP may still like the NCP and uses the children as a means of controlling her/him.

13. The CP may be punishing the NCP's new partner indirectly as the NCP may know that she/he could see the children if it wasn't for the new partner.

14. The CP may be independent and never wanted a woman/man around anyway apart from producing the children (entrapment). Or he/she may have gained independence during the marriage and now wants to exploit it.

15.The CP may see children as a way of getting a house, welfare money, and other benefits. The NCP was always incidental in the matter.

16. Some women/men actually believe that women/men are not interested in their children.

17. The CP assumes hostility by the NCP towards him/her is also towards the children, so 'protects' them by keeping her/him away.

18. The CP has a different lifestyle to the NCP, and does not want the children to copy their way of life.

19. The CP may have no family of their own (typically foreign), whereas the NCP may have a family. The CP regards the child as 'their family'.

20. The CP may become emotionally dependent upon the child, and regard any affections the child has for the NCP as depriving them.

21. The CP simply regards the child as their property, and sees the NCP as making a claim on their 'possessions'.

22. The CP dislikes the NCP's new partner, who they see as a rival 'parent', so prevents the child from seeing the NCP.

23. The CP's new partner is the one who is preventing contact because they wishes to be seen as the '/mommy/daddy'.

25. The CP wants to prove to their new partner that they are the only one in their life.

26. CP may have come from a broken family, and not be able to sustain a relationship.

27. The NCP is a constant reminder of the failed relationship that they prefer to forget.

28. CP may be starting a new involvement, or having difficulties with the existing one, and doesn't want the children to tell the NCP about her affairs.

A very useful internet group is the one sponsored by the Rachel Foundation (www.rachelfoundation.org). Unlike the many other divorce email groups, this monitored group avoids gendrification, ex-bashing, provision of legal advice, political activism, and cacophony. Instead the email support group helps left-behind or alienated parents through the emotional trauma and provides ‘been there’ parenting ideas for parents alienated from their children.

Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood.